Little things on twitter set me off sometimes. Rant below. It’s not important, I just wanted to talk… I’m bored.
I saw a quote someone retweeted on twitter tonight that said something to the effect of “if they won’t change to get you, they won’t change to keep you.”
Personally, iI strongly dislike relationship advice put into short statements. No relationship is the same. If you can fit it into such a small statement, it is either obvious or bs. Or, most likely, it applies to one person but not many, many others. I don’t like generalizations, especially with something as important as a relationship.
So, while I really don’t want to comment, I have to say it bugged me. Changing for someone is a very tricky subject. You do what you can to keep a person you truly want it to work out with. You do what you can to win them over to. But “changing” yourself, I guess it’s the wording that gets me. If you phrase it that way, it just seems wrong. Yes, if they won’t change to get you, they won’t change to keep you. Duh. And they shouldn’t. I guess I just take that two ways - a) it makes it seem like you want them, but not how they are now. And you’re demanding they change to how you want them, in order for it to work out. In some situations, usually if small, that might work. In most, it’s unfair and unreasonable at best and rude and selfish at worst. Why would you want to go into a relationship with someone that demands you to change youself in order to be with them? Obviously, it could be subtle or important - I won’t date someone who does drugs, so I’d probably say I won’t do that unless you stop. Ok, that’s fine. But what if it’s “I won’t date you unless you have a better car.” That’s obviously dumb, stupid, and not deserving of a relationship. Two extreme examples. Again, I hate generalizations. There’s many in between - maybe you want them to change to be more open. Or more available. Or want them to move. Something like that. The point is, having an attitude of “oh if they won’t change now they won’t change later in the relationship to save it either” - well duh. You’re already expecting them to need to change now and later? I don’t know, it just rubbed me the wrong way. Reading into it too much? Probably. And would I take this advice? To a certain extent. If I was told to dress differently… well I guess how differently haha. But probably. If I was asked to be more assertive or open - yes, those are constructive. If I was told… see I can’t even think of anything. But if I felt like I was being ordered to change in order to have the right to keep someone, that’s bs. I’d never do that. It’s that phrase “change for you” - if it’s positive, I don’t think you’d use that terminology. It would be more like mature, or grow up (not even that really), or learn or… something. “Change for you” just seems… bitchy, if I’m being honest. And ok, that’s centered at girls (obviously, I’m coming at this as if it was coming from a girl at me, it wouldn’t happen any other way)… but if a guy demanded a girl change, he’d be called a massive dick and a player - and it would be true. Don’t change for someone. Grow, improve, learn, be a better person and a better boyfriend/girlfriend. But don’t “change.”
