Personal read/entry below. You can read if you want, I really don’t care.
So, she emailed me today. About a few questions about a job for her sister. She started off by stating that she knew she was the last person I wanted to hear from. And ended with trying to touch on, whatever, nonsense stuff we have in common that was small talk. Whatever.
First, I can’t believe she emailed me. At first thought, I was shocked. Then I thought that is extremely unfair, but I was happy she did. Then I thought, you know, even being remotely in the belief that it was unfair is completely inconsistent with how I have been thinking. Yes, I am shocked. Really, I still am. But there is no reason for her not to do this, and I don’t like the fact that she even felt the need to preface it with a word of caution or whatever you would call it. It had little to do with me, or rather what has happened and how I feel and the situation. That was just a minor complexity, that could and should be pushed aside in this instance. And it was. I was happy to help, and will continue to if I can. And again, I don’t like the fact that she even had to say something. Though, I am glad she did. My hand shook when I read it and when I responded. And I felt the need to say something to defend myself, which was childish. Nothing big, not a jab or anything like that. Just that, I hoped she didn’t take this as anything but help for someone else. Leave this out of anything else. I didn’t say it like that, I said it in a way a hurt high schooler would, and that was lame. But I don’t regret it, whatever. But really, I can’t believe she emailed me. And yeah, I think about why and what it could mean and blah blah blah. It sucks. I mean, the fact that she thought I could help is nice. It really is. There is some trust there, if nothing else. But she also had to know I would respond. She mentioned she would understand if I didn’t or if it took a while. But I have to think she knew I would. So that could kind of suck. I do worry that maybe that was dumb of me, I shouldn’t let myself be a pushover. But she’s not like that. She was genuinely hoping I could help and nothing more, and would get it if I didn’t want to. At least I think so. Really. I do. I hope that doesn’t mean she thinks I am mad. I do hope how I responded and what I added somehow helps to get rid of that from her mind. I am not mad or angry or anything close to that. And she is very much not the last person I want to hear from. She should know she is definitely the first person I want to hear from. Look I get it, and I have to be careful not to over think things. But I hope I shouldn’t be taking what was said last time we exchanged emails in a much worse, end of all things sort of way. I do not believe, at all, that I should be. I believe I am doing the right thing by not talking to her (this aside), but I also hope she understands why. And I also hope that I didn’t somehow throw away any “leverage” I had gained by talking to her here. I very much avoid playing games about how to get an advantage or whatever, mind games, with my friends. Especially her. I don’t do that shit. But, at the same time, yeah, I want to do what I can to get a chance. Yes, I hope she misses hearing from me very much. I hope she values what I can help with. I hope she thinks I’m a good guy who has a lot to offer. I hope she knows how much I care and whatever I am terrible with this. I can’t handle this. I know I’m doing better, but it kills me inside. I miss her so much and I’d do anything for a chance and I am so terrified of losing her for good. All I know to do is do what I think is right. Today, it was helping when I could and saying little more. No small talk. I feel maybe I gave too much of an explanation at the end, though it was very very short. I will continue to help, as long as it’s small and involves nothing else. But here’s the thing - yeah, I’d like a thank you. I feel as though she would not talk to me now because she thinks I’m mad or don’t want to hear from her. I don’t want that. And I’d like to know that it was helpful or appreciated or something. You know, yeah. Whatever. I don’t even know. I want a thank you. I don’t want any small talk. I’d take more than that. I’d take a ‘take care’ or a i miss you or i miss hearing from you but those won’t happen at all. she did say something like i hope you are doing well, but it’s an email so i don’t know if that’s genuine or just added on to say something and not end awkwardly. so, i guess it doesn’t matter i’ll never know how to take whatever she says. so just forget it. all i can do is do what i think is right. i did. i helped when i could. some people might let their pride get in the way, play stupid games, whatever. no, if i can help, i will. because i should, if i truly care and am a friend and am a nice person. and damn it i am. i was right.
i just miss her.
