Can’t sleep. i took a nap after couch shopping (yes, i know i’m definitely getting the one i liked from shopping the other day) and yeah. lots of thoughts, trying not to think them all. man i can’t write tonight. i still have paperwork to do. i have a lasik exam tomorrow. this year has been productive. apartment move in friday, getting a couch soon, lasik exam tomorrow with the procedure probably coming soon. with the new apartment i’ll be able to cook my own food and eat better. i hope to be more on top of things because of all of this. it will take a great deal more responsibility when it comes to time and specifically sleeping. but that’s exactly what i want. i think by doing that, and eating better, i’ll save more money. i’m glad how this all worked out, i can still save quite a bit of money every month, comfortably. by mid february, i hope to have all my finances totally squared away and on track for my normal cycle.
i’m really afraid february could be very bad news. terrified. i want to say something about it, but i don’t think i should. but that’s what got me into this. but, again, i don’t think i should. still. i just don’t know if that is right at all. i want to, but will it matter? do i need to say anything? if it mattered to say it, then the question is, should i? honestly, if it mattered, and would help, i would. i don’t thinking saying it will do anything though. again, maybe i don’t even need to say anything. i’m terrified. i won’t be able to handle that.
i miss her. she made me feel normal, or at least not alone in what i cared about. i had someone i could say anything to and they appreciated it and for the most part tended to agree with me. and they liked my weird random facts. it was just nice being able to talk. and it’s not a thing where i didn’t appreciate it. i did. she knows that too. i just miss her. it’s been 43 days or so, give or take a few, since i stopped talking to her. she asked for some help/advice for her sister and i gave that a few days ago. i’ve punished myself with pretty crazy exercise/punishment for probably 35-40 of those days. in a row. every day. it’s not to make me feel better or forget. it’s to remember.
i’d do anything to see her laugh right now. and ok, off topic, side note. i say this on here, in a ‘read more’ section. don’t say stuff like this on facebook or out in the open. yes, we’ve all done it. but once you learn, don’t. just don’t. no one wants to read this shit. no one cares how happy, how sad, how wonderful, or how depressing your life is right now. we do, but we don’t need to read about it. no one cares that you have the best boyfriend in the world. because you don’t. you have no way of judging your boyfriend against pretty much anyone else, including your past boyfriends. not objectively. and oh, wow, he bought you flowers. wonderful. he should buy you flowers. yes, it’s nice. it’s also for you. you don’t need to show it off on facebook. keep it to yourself. it’s a private thing, and yeah you’ll want to tell your friends. do that! be happy! but don’t tell facebook. and don’t go overboard. it’s flowers. nice, wonderful, sweet. but it’s still flowers. it’s not a ring. and if it is a ring!!! ok. it’s a ring. i hope people value what they have more than what they get, if that makes sense. i know i will. it’s an easy thing to forget to do. and it’s impossible to remember all the time. but try, and do your best to do that as much as possible. you can lose what you get, your stuff. but it’s replaceable. what you have, that’s not. remember what’s important, and let them know that. no- not all the time. that’s annoying. but often. and mean it. and don’t worry about how you look and not being good enough. fuck that. but try and improve, always. subtle distinction, but there’s a big difference in the effect (affect?) it has on your behavior. and this advice is for me, hence it being written down in a way that holds me accountable and i am actually writing it down, but not in a way that is in people’s faces. i respect those who write advice books and posts. but i also think that, for some - myself included, advice is mainly for yourself. if that’s the case, don’t put it on facebook or your blog. you’re not proving a point or trying to look better. at least you shouldn’t be. it’s for you. do it how you want to, how you think will best work. don’t do it in a way you think will impress the most people. because guess what, they don’t really care. maybe they’ll see it and it will really strike them. maybe. probably not. all those thoughts in your head? they have them too. that’s not to say, don’t try, don’t discuss. no, spread ideas! but do it in an effective, real way. not on your facebook. and probably not on your blog. maybe your blog is good, well read, well respected, and a great information tool. but it’s probably not. get better, get smarter, share, spread ideas, learn, appreciate. don’t brag, try to impress, or make people gag. be honest, be true, be passionate, be yourself. that’s all i have.
i’m going to do paperwork, maybe read, and miss you the entire time.
