i wish i could explain what it feels like. and i wish i could talk about it with my friends. but i just can’t. i feel guilty and like i’m complaining and like i’m stuck and i just can’t talk about it because it doesn’t help and just makes me not fun and not a good friend. you can’t complain, or be sad, or be down about something all the time and still be a good friend. i’m not sad all the time. but i feel like it sometimes, when i talk about things. does that make sense?
i miss her so very much. i have no communication with her. i had some, for a bit. then at my friends bachelor party, when i had been drinking way more than i ever do (which still isn’t a lot) i told her i missed her. i should not have done that. it’s so unfair and i don’t know why i thought that was ok. i can’t expect to be able to talk to her, even briefly, when i say things like that. they are not bad things, it’s not wrong. it’s just, unfair. you can’t tell a girl you love her, when she’s with someone else and happy, and continue to talk to her like you want to. if you talk to her, it just can’t be like that. it’s bs. and i do as good as i can. but i do miss her. and i hate this.